PRESIDENTIAL FUN FACT
In the entire 240-plus year history of the United States, there have been only twenty-two presidents named Herbert Hoover. Notable President Herbert Hoovers include Presidents Herbert Quincy Hoover, Herbert Milhous Hoover, and, of course, President Herbert H.W. Hoover—while perhaps the most recognizable President Herbert Hoover of them all, President Herbert Hoover, was actually born der Herbalkt Hoovenshleph, in honor of the first man to walk on a photograph of the moon someone had taped to the floor. ✣
What's On The Windmill-Powered Black Magic Projector Tonight?
8:30 — Skank-AssSkank-Ass Bitchez:Bitchez: Lake Tahoe
(new): Tammabelle acts skanky; Amandabelle goes crazy; Donnabelle loses her shitshit9:30 — Skank-AssSkank-Ass Bitchez:Bitchez: Sioux City
(new): Jezabelle acts skanky and goes crazy; Gabriellabelle goes crazy and loses her shit;shit;
level-headed Donnabelle signs a nondisclosure agreement and goes home10:30 — Block of Commercials Where It Sounds Like the Announcer's In A Hallway, Yelling About Bravo Shows
I guess my biggest barrier to success is that I don't believe in myself. It's really hard to accomplish anything when you don't think you exist, despite all the evidence. Φ
Increase Your Culinary Vocabulary!en • trée
\from Modernish French, c. 18th century1.
France for dinner; not to be confused with the Parisian Society of Blatant Cannibals' famed marketing slogan, “France For Dinner”2.
French Canada for dinner; not to be confused with the Québec Society of Semi-Committed Cannibals' famed marketing slogan, “French Canada For Dinner, Unless There's Poutine, In Which Case: Poutine For Dinner” ✣
My boss at work is a real jerk. He's always licking his chops and talking about what big breastsbreasts I have, and how I “look good enough to eat.” And it's not just me, either. He calls all of us ladies “my little chicks,” and then he brags to anyone who'll listen about how we're “all natural, baby.” He's so gross. It's just, I mean—what the cluck? You know? Is there anything me and the other chickens around the coop can do?
— Harassed On The Farm
Dear Harassed On The Farm,
If Old McDonald has a farm and doesn't seem to know that “no” means “e-i, e-i, no,” you and the other hens should definitely look into filing a complaint with human resources. Then again, they probably can't do much to help y'all, and there's a better than 50-50 chance they'll try to marinate you within the first few packets of the paperwork. Wow, this is a tough one (though the marination would admittedly make it a little less so). I dunno—maybe poop in your cages a little more? It's a bit passive-aggressive, sure, but it might be all you can really do right now. Just try to be strong, sister. Keep on cluckin', and godspeed. Oh, and apropos of nothing, you gals don't happen to be free-range, do you?
— Ethelberga ⋈
repressed Old World Puritans will be happy to learn that one of anything in the hand is better than two in the bush,bush,
save for the rare occasion when one finds him or herself in a position to enjoy simultaneous occupation of both hand and bushbush
—after which it simply becomes a case of the more the merrier, where facilities allow. ✣
Word of the Dayvel • o • ci • ped • est • ri • an • ist • i • cal • i • stin • ar • i • an • ol • o • gist
“One who studies the study of studying cycling and/or vaguely Italian-sounding velociraptors who may or may not perform grisly, cycle-based parlor tricks.”
See also: lab • coat • draped • ty • rann • o • saur • cir • cus • mon • ster • sci • en • tist ȸ
Has This Ever Happened To You?
Today, I asked my wife if I could borrow her bra ’cause mine's in the shop and she looked at me like I asked to borrow her bra ’cause mine's in the shop. ✣
Hometown Local Area News
A man was arrested yesterday for forcing his way into the hometown local area preschool, and screaming incoherently at a group of young children enjoying nap time. When questioned by police, the perpetrator reportedly acknowledged an ongoing feud with little Billy “The Butcher of the Play-Doh Table” Thompson, and insisted that the little fuckerfucker “started it.” Thompson was also taken into custody, and is currently being held on $250,000 bail. ౭